There is something about getting away that makes the stress we carry daily disappear and we are able to let ourselves really live in the moment. This past year brought many challenges to my doorstep and forced me to make changes that tested my belief in myself. I’ve spent much of the year trying to get my footing again, remember who I am.
In February I set out on vacation to the Dominican Republic for a week with my family. I was determined to make the most out of the trip, not wanting to take a minute for granted. What I didn’t know was that this trip held in store for me more than I could have anticipated. I didn’t know that this week would allow me to see myself again.
As I left work on a Friday afternoon, I felt free. The high piles of snow along the side walk and bitter cold could not bring me down. I felt like a child on Christmas morning, barely able to contain my anticipation! Less than 24 hours later, I found myself poolside, cocktail in hand, surrounded by those I love the most in this world.
The resort was like summer camp for families, an activity for everyone! It wasn’t long before I found myself doing water aerobics, Zumba on the beach, dancing with entertainment staff any chance I got and even marching in a parade for Dominican Independence day!
I was enjoying myself again and was flirting wildly with the men I quickly coined my “vacation boyfriends.” I started to relish that Dominican accent calling my name across the pool deck to join beach dance lessons or to the dance floor for Latin dancing. I started to feel like maybe I wasn’t as invisible as I felt. In a few days time I had come out from behind the wall I’d put up. It was there on the beach dancing with one of the entertainment staff that I felt like myself again, like the fun loving person I’d known for years who’d lost herself. The script in my mind flipped. No more walls up and no more feeling like I was stuck in the corner, waiting to join the fun. I had my pick of dance partners; I just wasn’t sure which one was my Johnny? Like Stella, I had gotten my groove back.
At the end of the week when it came time to check out, I felt a mad rush of sadness. I wanted to be forever on the beach dancing with cute entertainment staff. I wanted the feeling I had in those moments to never go away. I was leaving with invitations to stay in touch and pleas to return for a visit, most importantly, I was leaving with my walls broken down.
I believe self confidence and worth come from within us, worth shouldn’t be solely fueled by the attention and compliments of others. I will also say that sometimes in life we give others more power than we intended and we start to see ourselves differently. After years in a toxic relationship that consisted of emotional manipulation, my spirit had been broken. I needed to see myself in a new light. Like Baby needed Johnny to declare no one could put her in a corner, like Stella needed to get busy with a hot man in the tropics to get her groove back, like so many women who let a man make her believe she was not amazing, beautiful and fabulous, I needed my vacation boyfriends to make me realize that those walls I had up only hurt me.
I saw myself for who I really am, a woman with the courage to begin again. Maybe we can’t ever really escape our pasts but can’t we decide the meaning we’ll give the story line?
Loves, V
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